Conservatives Are …

WARNING! The following contains historical facts which are not comfortable for all audiences. Reader discretion is advised.

We live among …

We live among white men who declare their ‘conservatism’ with much pride; the de rigueur collective mindset of the white man.

Would they vote for a woman? Sure, but not that bitch (wink smirk back-slap guffaw). They think the unarmed black men and women who were murdered surely did something to deserve it, and they have thin blue line bumper stickers broadcasting that opinion. They think she wanted it, should have known better, or blew the whistle the next day.

Conservative R. Clown

Conservative R. Clown

They complain that their taxes are too high and in the next breath they complain that government services benefit everyone but them. They assume any profit or accolade earned by the poor or non-whites is illegitimate. They want to run the government “like a business” and then after making deep cuts to revenue they cannot figure out why the government “business” is insolvent. And so on.

Conservative R. Clown

Conservative R. Clown

When I get a whiff of this macho-scented claptrap, I challenge myself to find representative examples of conservatism throughout history, attempting to identify conservative greatness that has withstood the test of time. I take examples not only from the viewpoint of American white men, but also from the viewpoint of any in power working to smother the growth of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Conservative R. Clown

Conservative R. Clown

Conservatives are …

or at one time were …

building their

fortunes on the backs of slaves

owning and

controlling female beauty

brutally terrorizing

female sexuality

afraid of

educating women

binding girls’


cutting off

pubescent girls’ clitorises

cutting off

male servants’ testes

deniers of

the ten commandments

those who

crucified and tried to silence Jesus

certain that

the Earth was flat

imprisoning Galileo

for his theory that the Earth orbits around the sun

relentlessly colonizing

non-white lands and peoples

loyal subjects

of King George III

against ratifying

the Constitution

against Liberté,

égalité, fraternité

blind and

deaf to the Trail of Tears

incapable of

comprehending Darwin’s theory of evolution

confederate traitors

to the USA

against black

people fighting for their country

preventing black

votes by any means necessary

against black

citizens running for office and serving their communities

the authors

and enforcers of Jim Crow segregation laws

proudly displaying

statues of traitors and terrorists in our public squares

against public


confused by

Pablo Picasso

outlawing Chinese


against women

running for office

against women


for the

prohibition of alcohol

burning a

black business district in Tulsa

murdering hundreds

of sharecroppers meeting to unionize in Elaine

sabotaging Social


trying to

kill Medicare, in spite of how well run and popular it is

campaigning to

keep the US from entering WWII

condoning Japanese-American

internment camps

the murderers

of Emmitt Till

afraid to

play sports against black people

for women

doing all the housework

against women


pretending that

civil rights is a not problem

terrorizing peaceful

black children with fire hoses and attack dogs

shocked by

the Beatles

supporting the

invasion of Vietnam

against Muhammad

Ali’s religious beliefs

against interracial


against interfaith


against women

and girls playing sports (this one really angers Magaish incels)

against protecting

the environment

against working

in safe conditions

against helmets

and preventing brain injuries

against unions

evangelists of

trickle-down economics

outlawing the

dancing in Footloose

inventing and

enforcing Apartheid

ignoring the

spread of HIV

dead-set against

Donna Martin graduating

proudly supporting

unrestricted gun massacres

disapproving of

single mothers

demeaning to

children of single mothers

against wearing

seat belts

against renewable


trying to

stop the beat (you can’t stop the beat!)

inventing lies

to justify invading Iraq

against women

fighting for their country

confused about

why they are not getting any

telling everyone

marijuana is a gateway drug (yes, they’ve tried it)

prohibiting same-sex

marriage (until one of their loved ones wanted to get married to a same-sex partner)

banishing Colin


forbidding peaceful

protest against the murder of unarmed black men

against the


inventing a

thousand different ways to fudge calculations of equal pay for equal work

devoted to

unlimited cash payments to elected officials from ultrarich donors and lobbyists

working to

defund and diminish public education

intimidated by


afraid of

black and brown people

nervous around


uncomfortable around

gays and lesbians

scared of

transgendered people

against affordable

advanced education and job training

against healthcare

for everyone

bailing out

wall street

boarding up

main street

funding the

indentured servitude of appointees to the federal judiciary

against women

owning their own bodies

outlawing Central

American immigrants

outlawing Muslim


pretending that

climate change does not exist

pretending that

opioids are not devastatingly addictive

making sure

that opioids are immensely profitable

maximizing health

insurance company profits

selling life-saving

medicines with monopolies and hundred-fold price hikes

against treating

refugees as humans

against providing

employees a living wage

unanimously in

favor of giving away trillions in tax revenue to the richest of the rich

asleep at

the switch during a global pandemic

the murderers

of George Floyd

The Faith Füls

Our mission: to find examples, in history, where conservatives were not the last to abandon the good ship Ass Backwards before it sank. Once again, they find themselves pumping desperately, as the swell is breaking over the gunnels.

The Red Senate

The Red Senate

February 5th, 2020

The Magaish

The Magaish

vile morons and venal schmucks

Conservative R. Clown

Conservative Rodeo Clown

Conservatives Are …